GAA Characters...

The Legend:

Made one inter county league appearance back in 1978 and has been a regular full back on the club team, since then after having acquired golden experience and regularly deferred to as the Club expert on any scenario on the field. Wears supports on both knees, both wrists, both elbows, has no teeth left from horrendous off the ball incident involving the wing back on opposite team. Completely grey from shock of farming accident 15 years prior. Wears size 8 boot which are very small feet to carry considerable girth of a man his age and width consequently has dreadful difficulty staying on his feet but can always be relied upon to drag his man, but be safe in the knowledge that if he walks, so will the full forward. Under a dropping ball has been known to ruin many a footballers career. Level head on the team and can always be called upon to make a passionate call on the first round of the championship what it means to wear the colours of the parish, Lads that are years younger than him retired long ago just because they don't understand the pride, at which point he breaks down. Wants to die on the football field only problem is he seems to ensure it happens to many's the footballer who comes across him. The Legend!

The Water Man:

Regular supporter, generally retired, ended up holding the water bottles one day and ever since the lads have known him as the waterman. Well versed on psychology that applies in serious medical emergencies on the field. In fact his most recent comment upon viewing the broken leg of one of the star footballers was "Jesus his leg is f***ed lads!” Has been known to light up cigarette for player while tending to his injuries and is especially well versed at herbal remedies for wounds liberally applying distilled potatoes from a barrel to a muscle wound with the caveat 'Don't waste it'. Generally complements his medical knowledge with detailed recollections of even the most mundane club encounters of the previous 20 years. Club allocates 50 pounds a year to his budget for medical seminars run by the county board amounting 850 pounds of club service and as many pints that have been bought in the seminar's stead. Generally is a pipe smoker and his smell of tobacco lingers long after him in the dressing room.

The Athlete:

This all rounder seems to have reached the zenith of sports career no matter what he turns his hand to. Took up football at 16 years old and made the minor county team two years later pissing off a lot of fellas who had been football since they were born, stick in hand. He is the one lad everyone loves hopping off at training and generally sustains a lot of finger and hand injuries during training. Generally remains clean even during winter running and his kit bag is never O Neills, always Umbro, Man United or Canterbury. Never drinks with the lads in the Club and if he does it's a rock shandy or Lucozade Sport. He wears white boots, puts gel in his bleached blonde hair before every match, has a perennial tan, and always wears his collar turned up. Generally a sad individual despite the fact his girlfriend is a super model. Lads have no time for him as he will never take on 7 brothers from any other team in the county for one of his own men. Bad Egg!!

The Head de Ball:

Wheeled out of the pub for the start of winter football where the ball drops dead in the Square and the last man standing tends to be the head de ball. Every Club has one. Loves the throw in ball and has been known to run full length of the field for a throw in which he wins or would have won had the referee not made such a ridiculous decision. Tends to be well known among all the local clubs and generally the standard against which aspiring hard men judge themselves. Walks with the cocky gait of a gladiator on the field, his girlfriend/wife tends to be 'a brewtal looking wan' who looks as if she was dragged through the Liffey backwards and hit a few bunkers along the way. She generally tends to be the boss in the relationship. The head de ball generally retires early with major arthritis but his two sons are carrying on the family tradition having already been sent off and banned twice from 14 and u 16 championships. Dad is their hero.

The Drinker:

Would without doubt be the best county minor ever produced by the club except for the fact that because of his extraordinary under 14 talent, he was given a celebratory pint by the head de ball after winning the first round of the U-14 championship and it was downhill from there. Progressed from putting sugar in his Guinness to skulling half pints of Bulmers in the showers before the game. Can be regularly seen puking in the changing room toilets at half time, flashes of brilliance produced once a year for a few minutes enough to warrant the three old men on the sidelines to mourn the loss of talent in a youth such as him. The club in the light of his behaviour reviews their drink policy and radically alters it so that only Under 15 footballers and upwards are allowed pints on the day of a match, upper limit set at 8 pints, only allowed cider and vodka, no whiskey allowed to under 16's. Had to be dragged from the local at 4am the night before the county final, eyes red in photo, scored 1-6 from play, went on a two month bender after the win, wrote off three family cars, needs to be collected for every game. Great talent.

Three Old Men:

Living vicariously through the current crop of youngsters. They attend with diligence every club game from league matches to senior. They recall with pride the battles they fought for the parish in their days and one of them knocks with glee on the metal plate in his skull inserted after a vicious game, though he played on the full game, busted open!!! Not known as great supporters of the more graceful style of football in the club, three man fan club of 'the legend' and 'the the head de ball'. Tweed caps badly need replacing, cigarette butt almost surgically attached to the lower lip, two carry bad hips from ferocious games of their youth, and one has a shortened leg as a result of a kick from a f***** when younger, though rumour has it, it was got from his brother over a woman who left them both at the tender age of 28 for a midfielder in the next parish. Hasn't spoken to the brother since but managed to end career of other parish's midfielder with a flourish...'But the ball was there ref"

The Ladies Full Back:

Currently engaged for 9 years to the head de ball her own history is as long and varied as the club's. A great supporter of the senior football team. A very supportive young lady she has had flings with the entire full back line, half back line, midfield pairing of three years ago and 4 of the forwards, the other two having retired 7 years ago, although rumour has it she was a great supporter of them too. Her name constantly appears in the changing room banter, all the lads slagging each other about her and how they would never go. Eventually settled for the raw charm of the head de ball, likes hard men and loves to boast about her fella cutting the head off the opposition. Has been known to stray after 17 pints of cider and gives a rousing rendition of 'Sean South' after every championship match. A great girl altogether!!!!!

The Wannabe Senior Coach:

Bitter about his unsuccessful inter county career, he embarks on a mission to bring his crew of 19, desperate footballers from U-15 ranks to senior inter county champions in three years. His loyalty to the Club is unquestionable. His red with white stripe O’Neills cotton tracksuit can be seen as the solitary figure cutting grass of a Saturday morning at 8am in advance of that afternoon's league game. His passion is unquenchable he finds it hard not to get frustrated at the lackadaisical attitude of some Under 13's. Guaranteed to fall out with Club executive committee over some of his training practices, expects complete infallibility and loyalty, generally loses 3 - 5 players during the year through rows about their attendance. His car tends to be a Ford Capri or Ford Cortina, or indeed has a Honda 30. Guaranteed to have 20 - 30 O’Neills balls in the boot, replete bottles, deep heat, umbrellas, damp anoraks, odd football boots, steel toe capped boots, mars bars, hats, flags, caps, two helmets, nets, two bags of filthy smelly jerseys, 1982 version of Argus. Great Clubman, but bitter, bitter, bitter.

The Committee:

A plethora of 'Characters' with a collective football experience in terms of years of 383. Meet every Tuesday night and discuss deplorable standard of football in the club. Blame soccer, rugby and The Spice Girls. Decide to remove cider from Club bar as too many lads have had psychotic episodes from over indulgence, cagey about new committee members, who don’t have a brother, sister, mother, Grandfather involved with the club, slow to change, ruthless in political manoeuvrings, utmost respect for the county board though the shower of b******s didn't change our Junior B final even though we had three girls and three lads in the Scór finals. Struggle with the accounts and often reply that things have always been done that way. Strictly adhere to committee rules and procedures, everything must go 'through the Chair' and minutes are minutely recorded and scrutinised. Due to age of Committee large amount of Club budget goes on purchasing Mass cards for recently deceased member of opposing football teams of old, ar dheis Dé....

The Tea Ladies:

< Great for sandwiches and tea after the training sessions always bring a finer touch to the Club. Often the flirting going on between committee members and tea ladies is horrendous especially as most of them are married to one another. Fairly liberal users of bad language have been known to question the lineage of many's the referee in their day. Very suspicious of new ladies wanting to help out, unless of course, they are introduced by current Tea Ladies. The tea ladies are mothers of keeper, full back; drinker, wives of committee members and apprentice tea ladies are normally daughter in laws, fiancées or girlfriends of current senior team members.